I'm Walking Here

In 1785, Thomas Jefferson advised in a letter to Peter Carr, his nephew and protégé across the pond, that “walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far.”  He then goes on to complain that ball games are “too violent” and, as an alternative, “I advise the gun.”  

Well I agree with the bit about the walking, although Jefferson doesn’t really explain what constitutes as far.  I've taken to doing a five-mile loop through Milwaukee nearly every single day and it is indeed good exercise. As a bonus, walking allows me to clear my head while simultaneously powering through a fair amount of audiobooks in any given year (22 as of early September—not too shabby for a full time grad student). Last and maybe most beneficial of all, it gets me out of the house and into that elusive "third space," i.e. not home or work. I tend to follow trails that lead me to the sparkling views of what is currently known as Lake Michigan—but, depending on midterm outcomes, our president may very well rename to something with more zing like "Lake Rigged Election.”

Re:  Jefferson’s comments about the guns:  unless you’re Michael Douglas in 1993’s Falling Down, it might be best to leave your AK-47s at home while walking around the city.  But maybe Jefferson merely encountered some of the same annoyances I have on my city hikes and thought it perfectly reasonable to pack some heat, lest he be left flat-footed, so to speak.  

Before we resort to gunplay, we might look to the father of the Declaration of Independence himself and write out a few rules for our city’s sidewalks.  The rules would serve and protect everyone, including Urban Hikers (a name pretentious enough to make me blush like a schoolgirl, but far less eyeroll-inducing than alternative phrases like “Walk Maxxxing”).  

The Declarations of One Urban Hiker, in these United States 

When in the course of human recreational activity, it becomes necessary for walkers to dissolve fuckeries which have connected them with mild annoyances, and to assume among the powers of Nike, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Human Decency and Living in a Society entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to ask:  “can’t we all enjoy the sidewalk without being douchebags?”  

This Urban Hiker declares that all groups of 2+ pedestrians stepping in tandem yield to a single walker going the opposite direction.  Single walkers, as a rule, cannot fold into less space but a line of people can, provided they’re vaguely aware that other people exist and aren’t actively doing the can-can.  

People who do not pick up the turds dropped by their dogs will be subjected to extreme forms of punishment, like eating a whole sleeve of whatever gimmick flavor of Oreo hits the shelves this fall (odds are it’s something cross-promotional such as Oreo Pumpkin Spice Baja Blast).  Those who booby trap sidewalks with retractable dog leashes shall be forced to wait in long lines at the supermarket that never advance.  Dog walkers who carry no leash at all shall be sentenced to no less than 45 minutes of unnecessary slowdown on I-94 on their next commute, caused by a single construction barrel of no defined purpose or use.  

Bicyclists failing to use the bike lanes and opting to risk the lives of pedestrians by riding on the sidewalk shall be sentenced to a year’s worth of endless CAPTCHA logins with no discernible correct choice.  Those that publicly subject others to listen to their hideous musical tastes (usually reggae-electronica) from boomboxes strapped to their 10-speeds will be subjected to no less than four weeks of novelty Christmas albums featuring any or all of the following:

a) Alvin and the Chipmunks 

b) Bob Dylan’s 2009 record, Christmas in the Heart 

c) “Jingle Bells” performed by barking dogs 

Bikers riding around in penny-farthings, i.e. those old-timey bikes with extremely large front wheels, along with unicyclists are permissible, provided they respect others on the park trails and also understand that absolutely no one gives a fuck that they’re “unique.”  

Anyone seen dumping a Lime electric scooter directly onto a walking path shall be forced to manually update their resumes in Workday.  

We hold these truths to be self-evident (unless you’re a moron).  All men and women are created equal, with the exception of Ravens fans, and should have equal opportunities to enjoy public recreation without impeding on others.  May all recreationalists enjoy Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Reduced Love Handles.  

Signed, 

One Urban Hiker